Slave Bob: Putting the Snob in BDSM.

I want to use a recent message I read to illustrate just what irks me about BDSM personal ads.  Without fanfare, I give you the writings of Anonymous:

Well if you send me a pic of yourself maybe i can figure out if we have met before as i remember all the faces. I love being a sub, love the strap-on and I love oral sex with a male and female, maybe it was in an orgy or in a BDSM party as I love discipline specially long sessions of the cane and paddle after which i am really horny and willing to be use by a male and female. I am more of a giver than a taker although I love to take it on my ass and love swallowing cum.

Oh yeah, that’s hot.  It makes me want to whip out my cock and start loving myself.  Look, courting in the BDSM world is no different than what you find in the vanilla lifestyle.  Our topics are a bit more risque`, but the principle remains the same.  Introduce yourself, suggest which parties you may have gone to in the past.  Discuss what you like or do not like in a respectful manner.  Let’s re-write Anonymous’ letter to resemble something a well-balanced individual might pen:

Well, I’ve been active in the local scene, so it’s possible we might have met each other at ‘X’ party or ‘Y’ party.  It’s hard to keep track of names and faces really with all that goes on locally.  As you can see, my name is anonymous.  I’m a submissive who enjoys caning and paddles, plus worshiping my dominants.  Discipline is also something I love.  I’m bisexual so male and female are both fine with me.  I rather enjoy anal and oral sex, giving and receiving, though I do prefer to give.  Strap-ons are another source of enjoyment.

Not too bad, it reads like a standard response to a personal advertisement but identifies all the kinky natures without coming across as a buffoon.  We’ve eliminated the reek of desperation and replaced it with a savvy, well-spoken if somewhat bland individual who can clearly express his BDSM desires.  Now, let’s break the message down to its constituent parts:

Well if you send me a pic of yourself maybe i can figure out if we have met before as i remember all the faces.

Be that as it may, it is completely inappropriate to ask for a picture right off the bat.  Furthermore, if you’d bothered to read the profile that this message was sent to, you’d fine additional information and a picture.

I love being a sub, love the strap-on and I love oral sex with a male and female,

Sorry, but loving the strap-on and oral sex does not a submissive make.  I love the strap-on and the oral sex.  I’ve sucked a whole mess of dick in my life.  That does not identify me as a submissive, it identifies me as a slut.  Accurately at that.

maybe it was in an orgy or in a BDSM party as I love discipline specially long sessions of the cane and paddle after which i am really horny and willing to be use by a male and female.

Here Anonymous flirts with the concept of BDSM beyond pure sex, but reverts back to the “I am a desperate, lonely, horny man” stage in short order.  He’s on the right track, it’s possible that the brief contact was made at either an orgy, BDSM party or, dare I say it, both.  It’s the self-advertisement about what happens after a discipline section that bugs me.  We get it, you’re horny.  Join the club, we have jackets.

I am more of a giver than a taker although I love to take it on my ass and love swallowing cum.

Ah the witty wordplay of a truly great writer.  This is pretty much a boilerplate response from someone who identifies as a submissive but is little more than a horny S.O.B..  As a bisexual submissive, I’ll be the first to admit that I take as much as I give.  Hell, there are times when I take more from my Dominant and times when I take less.  Underneath the kink, it’s still a relationship and that’s how every relationship works.  The whole “I’m a giver” routine is just so much bullshit.  We all derive pleasure from different aspects of the BDSM community.  Right now I’m typing this while I cook dinner for my Dominant and do the laundry.  She’s currently tucked out in bed sleeping.  Does that mean that I’m giving more than I’m taking?  Nope, it means that we’re a functioning relationship with clearly defined roles.

Lessons you should take from this: If you want to bounce from one dominant to another, never truly creating the bond that makes being a submissive worthwhile; keep writing messages like Anonymous.  If you want to attract a long-term TPE or 24/7 relationship with a dominant, clean up your personal ads and make it worth the time to get to know you.

This is Slave Bob, and my self-righteous ass is going to finish dinner.